Truth Is A Sticky Wicket

So that first post?  Bullshit.  Total Bullshit.  After some introspection, I realized...who gives a fuck about secrets from the past?  Cause the truth is that I could take every shameful thing I've ever done, every lie I've ever told, every moment I've manipulated a situation to get my way, everything I've ever stolen or destroyed...I could take ALL of that and add it up and, in the end those things wouldn't amount to dick compared to the lies I tell myself right here and now.  My past means almost nothing compared to my present, and what little meaning the past does contain...it's only there as it relates to the bullshit I'm telling myself now...and now...and now...

And holy shit snacks...there's a lot of bullshit...

You know, I get the whole 'reality is what you make it' gig...cause I've been pretzeling my version of reality for almost as long as I can remember...but here's the thing...when a person lies to themselves, so convincingly, day after day, about who, and where, they really are...well, eventually the truth WILL catch up...you can't out run what's really going on forever...

And here's the 'real' truth...

Yesterday I was reading a study about what affects a person's Quality-Adjusted Life Years. "The construct QALY's  combines mortality and overall health status and can be used to quantify the impact of risk factors on population health."  and they are determined by figuring out how certain risk factors will affect a person's quality of life - things like smoking, drinking, obesity, and a sedentary lifestyle.  So I did the math and was horrified to find that, because of my current lifestyle I can expect for 24 years of my life to suffer.  I can expect to live at least 10 years less, if not more.  I'm 46.  This is bad.  Very bad.

Currently the average age of death for women in the US is 81 years.  However, for me, at the present time, it's around 71, with the last 24 years of that steadily decreasing in quality...so, hummm...that means that, according to that study,  my quality of life will start decreasing IN 4 MONTHS!!!

And here's another thing...that study is wrong...cause my quality of life has been diminishing, now, for about 6 years...I smoke, I sit in a chair all...day...long...AND I'm 187 lbs. overweight.

And that, my friends, is the fucking truth.

Secretyville

So, I'm just curious...what will happen if I make a concerted effort to say all of my secrets out loud?  I like to pretend that I don't have a lot of secrets.  And that's the trick to keeping the ones that I do have off of other people's radar...I'm so good at it, I'm not even sure if I know what my secrets are, any more...

But I'm bored.  And I'm curious.  And I just have this overwhelming need, here lately, to dig around in all the muck and see what comes out...I've kinda carried around this generalized sense of shame with me for as long as I can remember...I'd really like to know why that is...I know people often keep secret the things that shame them most...

I'm not even sure if I have any secrets that I haven't told at least one person...I guess we'll see...