In The Beginning

OK...so here's what I'm gonna do...I'm going to use this blog (at least in part) as a guide on the journey of finding and nurturing myself back to good health.  I've been giving this a lot of thought and, from my own personal experience, I have found that the most difficult hurdles were (and still are) the psychological ones.  I have also found that, personally, there is no way of  'getting around' those hurdles and trust me...  I've tried. They are literally walls that you HAVE to go through to get physically better.  But you don't have to take my word for it.  If you struggle with these things, as well, all you have to do is answer these questions:

a) How long have I been in physical pain?
b) How long have I been in emotional pain?

If your answers were longer than 6 months, then you either have chronic emotional, chronic physical pain, or both.

c) Has your chronic emotional and/or physical pain severely reduced the quality of your life?

If you answered no, then you can stop reading right now...

d) Do you suspect that you have a disease that is so rare that it has yet to be discovered by modern medicine?

If you answered yes, then you can stop reading right now and you should call 911...quick...

So, for our purposes, let's just go ahead and assume that you have stated that, yes, you have had chronic emotional and/or physical pain for more than six months to the point that your quality of life is severely affected.  Additionally, the 'things that ail ya' are not a complete medical mystery, so there is, more than likely,  valuable information out there that can help you heal yourself and not be in pain anymore.

And here are two sayings that deeply reflect why it is absolutely necessary to discover, and then deal with, whatever psychological hurdles you may have buried in the dark corners of your mind that are keeping you from fully nurturing yourself back to health...

"Your best intentions have gotten you exactly where you are, right now."

"The definition of 'crazy' is doing the same thing, over and over, and expecting different results."

Now...go ahead and get indignant for a minute...I'll wait...

OK then...

See...here's the thing...no matter how it's broken down, the previous approaches to handling pain and, ultimately, self care, haven't worked. The pain and ill health have become chronic.

Usually, when things become 'chronic', it's because the body isn't functioning well on many different levels. And no one, but you, can break it all down and figure out where things have come unglued.  It's pointless to feel any shame or blame as you do this, btw...chances are you have done what most Western people do...

When they get sick, they go to doctor...after doctor...after doctor...

When they get fat, they try diet...after diet...after diet...

And I can't say how much helpful information you gathered, over the years...maybe a little, maybe a lot.  But what I do know is that, if you haven't worked through some of the psychological barriers that keep you from fully nurturing yourself, it's not going to matter how good the medical advice is, or how good the drugs work, or how many steps you managed to work through in a program...unless you remove those barriers, ain't nothing gonna be able to fix ya.

And you might say to yourself "...but it's not FAIR!!!  It's not FAIR that I'm sick and fat and that person over there, sucking down a Big Gulp and three hot dogs looks JUST FINE!  It's not FAIR cause I mostly eat right, I usually get enough sleep, that I took the steps instead of the elevator and I TAKE MY VITAMINS!!!  It's not FAIR! I don't drink or do drugs nearly as much as I USED to!!  I've given up X and Y.  Do I have to give up Z, too?  Well...are you still sick?  Are you still fat? If you are, then, yes, you do.  You have to give up Z, too."

And what is 'fair'?

It depends upon what you mean... If you mean 'fair' as in 'do you deserve to be sick and fat and in pain?' No, most likely not. No one deserves to suffer.

If you mean 'fair' as in 'why should I have to deal with all of this and that other person doesn't?'  Well...statistically speaking, someone's gotta, so it's just as fair that you are that someone as it would be if they were that someone.  Can you say you DON'T deserve to be in your predicament more than that other person does?

But if you mean 'fair' as in 'balanced'...as in a relatively predictable outcome that your body would break, at some point, considering all of the negative things it has absorbed over the years from external and internal events...I don't know...that's for you to decide.  Personally I believe that, all things considered, my health situation is exceedingly 'fair'.  I have been an historically poor caretaker of my physical self over my life.  I don't like it.  But it's the truth.  Despite my best intentions, I have made some very bad decisions.  Repeatedly.  And sometimes I still do.

And 'nurturing' is really what it all comes down to...the ability to nurture one's self.  There are a million reasons why people can't or won't nurture themselves the way they should.  Usually it's from feelings that they somehow don't deserve to care about themselves that much. They feel as though they are being blatantly 'self-absorbed'  when they insist on taking all of the necessary time and doing the necessary work that's required to care for themselves every day.  When your personality is made up this way, then you'll neglect the Universal truth about loving yourself while simultaneously demanding a million different, random things you believe you need (from yourself, and others).

You'll feel entitled to have a whole bunch of 'this' and a whole lot of 'that'...you'll feel you deserve things (like booze or chocolate cake) because of the 'sacrifices' that you make or that you feel 'life makes you make'.  It's hard to think with a clear head when you are starving from neglect.

 And you will continue to make faulty decisions for yourself because you haven't really gotten the point -  every time you choose to do something or be a part of something, or be involved with someone that is, in some way, destructive or draining to you, you are actively choosing not to nurture yourself and you are letting that decision be OK.  And it's not.



It's like William Burroughs once said "There are no honorable bargains involving exchange of qualitative merchandise, like souls, for quantitative merchandise, like time and money."